Welcome Home Outcasts

11:36pm: "things change, just look rearranged to me..."
Well right now it's Monday night. Don't really know what to say but I'm listening to Less Than Jake, the soundtrack to my whole life, and I just want to say, Fuck being sad. I've been constantly in a bad mood lately, and I'm pretty sick of it, and Less Than Jake brings me up like no other.

I'm sick of this town but there are some people and things that make me happy I'm here.
It's the hot summer nights spent sitting in abandoned, poorly lit parking lots, to the cold days where you can see your white breath freezing, from the words in which you swore you would be something more than this one day.
The extreme highs and earth-shattering lows all settle somewhere in the middle where we all wish something could be more than average, but wishes are nothing unless you make them come true.
This is me trying hard not to let go or let down, knowing either way, things get better with time.
Things get worse before they get better. Things heal and then break again, and it's a constant circle of ups and downs. But it's the inconsistancies of our moods that keep us occupied and differentiate between the happy and the sad, the love and the hate, and the good and the bad.

The past four years have seemed to fly right by now that I look back on it.
I still remember teaching myself guitar and not knowing anything, and wishing I could play with people one day, and now I'm in a punk/ska band playing shows.
I remember those countless days and nights I spent on my skateboard: on dark streets, hot pavement, crowded garages, cold basements, and small backyards.
I remember the shows we went to, the arrests and the warnings, the sweat, the blood, the yelling, the dirty looks, the mocking words, and every time they made us feel like nothing, just to promise ourselves that we would be something someday.

And now I'm here. Monday night, 12:11 AM, recovering from everything bad that's been happening lately, and right now, I feel fine.

To every person who hasn't been so close lately, come back.
To every person who feels like I haven't been so close lately, pull be back.
It's a give and take situation.
We feed off of each other.

Out of everything I've learned, I've found that no matter where you are now, you'll always have where you came from, whether it's good or bad. If you're upset, think of what made you happy. You can look into the past, but just don't live in the past. There's a fine line between happiness and nostalgia. Keep a safe distace away from the edge. Sometimes it can be a close call and too much of a fall to recover from.

"and sometimes i think i'm the only one who feels like going nowhere is like giving up..."

- tj

3:25pm: hey. this live journal shit is getting pretty hectic because of the comments. if you don't like this, then just don't read it, it's as easy as that. but thanks to the people who have been defending me haha.
i would take up all this space defending myself, but i'm not worth that, it's your own opinion. i just want to state that i never said i was talented and i never said i had a shot at being anything more than i am right now, but i can at least fucking try.

so friday night i saw death cab for cutie with Alec...they're very good live. there's a very hectic, funny story behind the whole trip to nyc though but i won't explain it all on here so ask me if you wanna know.
i've also been playing piano and keyboard a lot more lately. i wrote a new song on piano, and sisley and i have been working on a new acoustic song. i wanna record all these.
we've got a show coming up on November 6th at Arch Street...benefit show for Haiti I believe, we're playing with Colin's band and Brad's band as far as I know...nobody gives me the details.

i would write something long and poetic but i'm not in the mood to. plus apparently people don't want to hear it? i'll probably do it later anyway.
i'm gonna go cut, sew, or paint something i think...

-tj

5:00pm: "because it's too important to stay the way it's been..."
To the people commenting about my writing sucking and me trying to be deep but being just a fake, I’ve just got a couple things to say:
Imagine your life. Imagine waking up each day, without being able to find a decent reason for doing so. You roll yourself out of bed onto a cold, hardwood floor, wondering why you got up at all. You stare into the mirror, and look at the messy-haired, bed ridden reflection that you’ve just plucked from a deep sleep of only two hours, and try to come up with at least one excuse, one half-concluded motivation to stay alive and awake. Now say every day was like this, and there was nothing you could do to get out of it. You feel like you’re sick of everything, and the things you aren’t sick of, are sick of you. So the only thing you can turn to, is writing it down and figuring it out. Welcome to every day for me.
It’s fine that you don’t like it because it’s my way of giving myself a reason. They’re my half-concluded motivations, which I slur onto old train tickets and dry palms to make the happy parts happier and the sadder parts have a sigh of relief. I see all of the music and the songwriting as my dream, because I can’t do anything else. I have no motivation to do anything else.
So to whoever wrote that comment on the last post, when we grow up, have fun sitting in your fucking cubicle while I’m out playing shows somewhere.

I’ll have a real update later tonight probably.

- teej

12:06am: "motion picture actors' houses maps are never ever current so save your film and $15..."
autumn's passing through. my hair is getting longer and my cheeks are getting redder. i can't tell if i'm ashamed or confused; if i feel loved or used, but this fall will pass like every other season. my feelings are staying but the weather is fading. another second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year, and then we're back where we started.
i still feel last winter as if it were here now. the cold, the heartache, the music, the fire, the smoke, the water, the ice, the sweaters and overcoats, snow covered beaches and frozen fingers trying to strangle guitar chords. the tides looked so harsh under the grey skies, but we found the beauty behind the rocks nonetheless.
summer draped a yellow blanket over this town. bright green leaves cover us overhead, but you say the tree looks blue. i tell you "i don't know" but you can tell that secretly means that i'm holding something back.
i never felt so figured out in a season where it's all too common not to care. but i did care. i do care.
these songs have become a soundtrack to these memories. they put music to the days and nights, and the people and places. beautiful and half asleep, it was unspoken but inferred. the smiles and the frowns; the ups and the downs. and the touches and the smells that haunt the un-expecting.
the carpet made a brushing sound as my feet dragged. i ran home, breathing harder now than i had been when i had left.

this boy needs sleep.
but he won't get it tonight.
time to start homework at 12:15 AM.
i need to stop writing myself notes on reciepts and napkins, and start focusing more on textbooks and chalkboards...but somehow i don't think i could ever do that.

goodnight.
please please comment...and about other things than nicky b being sexy.

peace,
TJ

12:24am: "my heart was racing like a sprinter, who tripped and fell."
hello everybody.
i don't really know what to update on
but we, the Knock Out Kings, had a show last night.
i personally think it went pretty well for the most part, i had fun.
i was shaking like nobody's business for the first song but i calmed down.
but today i wrote a new acoustic song on my electric guitar.
yeah i know, that is kind of backwards.
don't know what to call it, but i like it.
i'll try to record it as soon as i can.

Fall is officially sinking in.
It's getting colder and as I was told, "we're walking on death."
Summer went by way too fast as far as I'm concerned.
But it'll be around again soon enough and we will have faced the ups and downs of this year.
Things have been better lately, and I've stepped back to really see everything that's been going on.
The people and the things I love,
And my dreams that are slowly, and hopefully coming true.
The band I've been throwing myself into for the past year finally had our first electric ska/punk show, playing songs about the shit we go through in this town, to hopefully get out of it.

Good or not, the breakdowns and the sleepless nights have all added up to who I am today. I've been scattered with raccoon eyes and streetlights, and flashing police car lights can summarize a good portion of our summer. We've all been curious and bored, and those have been some of the best times of my life. These spray-paint headaches and passenger-seat heartaches make me smile. We were up for a challenge and a challenge is what we got, and I miss burning our bare feet on that hot July pavement. Making basement couches and living room floors my bed for days on end, just to wake up to a guitar and best friends who make me laugh myself out of the tired eyes that I've grown used to. Somebody, keep me in this mindset forever. Give me pictures to keep by my bedside, and tattoo the words "Open me, you've got the world to see" behind my eyelids.
I'm back to being myself again. It's time that I second guess second guessing everything, and live with my gut instinct. Thank you to everyone and everything. I feel alive again tonight.

Please comment. You know you want to.

- TJ

9:23pm: and there's a pain in my stomach from another sleepless binge...
The human mind works in strange ways.
Things you want to remember, you always forget,
And the things you want to forget, always seem to stick in your head.
Even things like smells and sounds,
Can trigger memories to stop your breathing,
Can trigger feelings that make you want to stop living.
But each day, the majority of us will make it through.
But there are the very few who don't, the few who couldn't take it.
And you can't always see the end before it's here,
And sometimes I'm suprised that I've made it this far.
But we're here now, and as hard as it can be to live it up,
Let's fucking celebrate the fact that we made it through another day.
Scabs heal, scars stay, but my heart is still beating.
My veins are still bleeding.
We're still living.
Dreams mean nothing if they don't make you happy.
Hurting so much isn't worth it unless it makes somebody happy.

So I'm putting all my faith into plastic pens and post-it notes,
Wooden paper and envelopes.

I'm ringing the necks of these pages for payback,
But they don't feel it like I do.

There's something about the way your 'F's roll off your teeth that I didn't miss until it wasn't around so much. This pain is my inspiration but I wish it wasn't like that at all...

So you've got me dangling from this thread,
It's wrapped around my throat and I'm walking on the edge.
So if I slip, it gets tighter at the neck,
And I'll give you these words with my one last breath...

Sometimes I wish I could have an inside joke instead of being one.

The concept of amnesia has never sounded so appealing before. I can't breathe, speak, fall sleep or stay awake...Is it safe to say I lost this one?

Do you ever get that feeling where your body feels so constantly worn out, like it's been working overtime ever since before you were born?
Does your face ever feel so strained from worrying and thinking, and as hard as you try, you can't seem to loosen up?

My head is pounding but I don't think there are any pills that could stop the ringing. This heart hurts so much from aching, but I don't think there are any wounds that could match the stinging. I wish these dreams would stop me from waking, but these feelings are too much that they just get my limbs and body shaking...

Please comment and I'll love you foreverrrrr

10:08pm: "even a heart transplant wouldn't show you how i feel, would it baby?"
do you ever get that feeling in the pit of your stomach,
the one that makes you feel so alone?
so helpless you want to cry but you can't?
it makes the air taste funny and sounds seem muffled
but things that could make it better seem gone forever?
old notes and photographs haunt you in your sleep,
so much, that you want to look, but don't, in fear of falling off the edge?

friendly smiles start to become chores, not by choice, but by routine.
hellos and goodbyes come and go like these daily headaches, and it almost loses its feeling.
so this is to all the times that we've broken these streets. to the days and nights spent flooding the pavement with our shadows and footsteps, never looking back, giving in, or giving up. this is to the times when we were completely content with jumping in and fucking up.
remind me what it's like to be care free.
remind me what it's like to say "good, thanks" after people ask me how i am.
i haven't been able to bring myself to say that for so long.

i seem to have taken on the bad habit of making things more complicated than they need to be.

band practice tomorrow.
show saturday.
KOK keeps me sane.
yelping songs over guitar, drums, bass, and trombone, feels so satisfying.
thanks to the people who have ever listened to us, worn our shirts, or came to our band practices.

please comment...it makes me feel like people are actually listening.

-teej

12:14am: please pass some sanity, Saint of Mediocrity
Thinking is not my strong suit right now. I feel like every single over-obsessed boy you ever talked about hating. But are we too close for that? Because I swear I’m not like them. Do you see the truth and sincerity behind my insanity and temporary lunacy? My mouth is too big for my own good. But the irony is: you were the one who got me to open up like this. I told you it would come back to haunt me. I’m pouring like an open wound and I can’t stop. It won’t stop. Remember when we both argued over who “Failure By Design” fit the most? Yeah, this is proof that I take home the crown for that one.
Couples kissing and ex-girlfriends tie me in knots around the throat. You were the one person I could find comfort in but now I’m pushing you away. I was never good with competition. I was never fond of jealousy. You know something’s wrong when your self-doubt becomes your best friend and you have to resort to getting your words of wisdom and hope from fortune cookies and teen-magazine horoscopes.
I can’t sit still. Something inside me is ticking away and I have to get out. But you don’t follow me. Nobody ever follows me. This can’t be typical. This can’t be regular. This can’t be healthy. This can’t last forever. Or can it? Too many questions I’ll never know the answers to because my mouth is too big, but nobody ever listens.
Dear man in the moon, when I was walking those streets, did you hear any of those songs I sang into the sky?
Dear sidewalk, do you remember any of those words I told you, I need them now. She doesn’t believe me.
Dear TJ, what have you become and where did you go wrong?
I need my innocence back.

Irony sets in and my reason for living makes me feel like dying.
The truth of the matter makes me feel like lying.
My reason for breathing makes me feel like choking.
And trying to stay serious starts me joking.

This isn’t me.
Remember who I used to be.
I just need time to recover from the fall.

When everything’s gone to hell, you’ve got nothing else to fear.
We’re too young for this.

please comment.

1:07am: if we cut out the bad, well then we'd have nothing left...
hey everybody. i'm back on livejournal.
it's been a while since i've updated.

when people plan on recovering from things,
they automatically assume that nothing will get in the way.
god i was fooled again. what else is new?

the leaves are changing and my breath makes the streetlights glow a little bit extra tonight.

the weather's getting cold,
sweatshirts and goosebumps have gotten old
i'm walking these streets,
chasing these dreams
sweetheart, could you spare some change?
because staying the same is never what it seems.

sucked in, to have this cold air fill my lungs, but i choked on reality and spit up a page and a half of how much you meant to me. ink is blood. and i'm bleeding for you.

without these six strings i would probably scream at the top of my lungs more than i already do. music can save you and it can kill you. you just have to choose which one you'll let it do.

man i'd love to be brilliant.
man i'd love to be clever.
i need to add "inspire" to my to-do list,
right underneith the crossed out words of "find inspiration".

this circle won't fucking end and i'd love to just break this routine.
i don't want to be just another face in the crowd,
but sometimes it's just too much to stand up.
all these faces i've never seen close in and i hate them already.
nobody has any patience anymore.
paranoia is the lowest form of denial.

i'm an overworked, overdramatic broken record.
so i'll make up excuses for why my head is pounding, until you figure it out.
i'll tell you "i'm just tired" everytime you ask me what's wrong.
bits and peices of "everything" are wrong.
little do you know that you are "everything" to me.
i remember you reading me something like that once.
it was beautiful, of course.
you really know how to take my breath away,
but do you know how to put it back before i drop dead writing this?
i've got nothing but the best intentions, never have, never will.
your name still makes my fingers shake and i'm wondering what it would be like to be less pathetic, just for a day.

so as i'm walking around this town that i've walked around a million times before,
the stars look brighter than they ever have in all the time i've been here.
and my fingers pulse at the thought of holding your hand under these airplanes we'd mistake for shooting stars,
but i'm alone, counting the cracks that i step on while thinking of clever lines to speak over the phone that you won't pick up.
my heart will never beat at a steady pace again.

don't listen to me, i don't know what i'm talking about.

please comment.

-tj

1:22am: this is the insomniac anthem for the broken hearted...
hello everyone.
i've been told to update this cuz it's been a while
so this is for everyone who told me to.

this past week has been busy.
not just with school,
but just emotionally draining.

it's been good seeing some of the faces i haven't seen in a while.
but being in class drives me crazy.

i think way too much, and it's frustrating
my mind asks too many questions.

and i've been writing a whole lot
but i can't share it on here.
it's too personal.

so you'll have to settle for everything else.

about how i had band with KOK practice the other day
and how we have a new song
and i really like it.

today i had practice with Koolau Morning.
it was fun.
then i hung out with austin for a while.
and we talked about a lot of stuff
and it was pretty relieving cuz he knows how i feel

then when i got home i was in kind of a sad mood
so i wrote a new song.
it's acoustic for now and i dunno what i'm gonna do with it
but it's one of my favorite songs i've written
and i'm proud of it.
i'll probably record it a little later tonight
so if anyone wants to hear it i guess i could send it to you when i'm done
it's called "the insomniac anthem for the broken hearted"

i also have a couple other songs that i don't know what to do with.
but they're relieving to write so that's all that counts haha

music and writing are definately my outlets.
i guess that's why i love writing songs.
when i'm in a bad mood, i just slam on my guitar
and the songs come out with the emotions i'm feeling.

"and i can't sleep tonight
and no i'm not alright
this is the insomniac anthem for the broken hearted..."

i skated with alex yesterday afternoon.
it was good catching up with him
it's been such a long time.
we used to skate all the time back in the day.
and it's been a while since we've really talked.
things can change so easily and it kinda sucks.

but i guess we can't really help it.
some things happened that i wouldn't trade for anything.

i would spill everything out
but i just can't through here.

i save the good stuff for the people it's about

leave me comments even though this isn't good enough to comment on haha.

peace,
tj

4:10pm: "singing my thoughts back to me, like watching heartache on tv..."
so school is soon.
that sucks bigtime.
i got back from lake george yesterday.
slept at simon's last night.
and orientation is tomorrow for the new kids
and then real school starts.

so i think tonight i'm going to the beach with a bunch of my good buds.
end of the summer bbq.

okay, this is a thinking question, and i want people to leave a comment in answer to this question in your own opinion:
what is love?

i've been thinking a lot lately.
i was in the car a lot when i went to lake george.
i also did a lot of writing.
here's just a small excerpt from the many, many pages i wrote:

"Squeeze my hand again.
Sqeeze it like you can't bare to let go.
Put our fists together and raise them to my chest.
Feel the inconsistancy of my racing heart.
Feel my chest rise and expand as I'm gasping for the breath you took away.

Take those 5 seconds and put them to use.
Because you can't tell me that our palms don't fit perfectly together.
You can't tell me that those hours spent wrapped up in your sheets on the phone with me meant nothing.

Tonight the stars will shine.
And I know we'll both be looking at the same moon.
Let it shine down into your room.
Let it flood the floorboards with a smokey white light.
Let your windowsill glow enough to light up the pages in your journal.
And as I look at that same moon that makes those pages visible in the dark,
I'm hoping those pages glisten with words I want to hear but have just been locked behind your teeth.

And it's funny how my imagination can be my best friend and my worst enemy."

So that was just me spilling my guts for free over the internet. My deepest secrets splattered online. Take it in and use it. I hope it makes you think, I hope it inspires you.

And please, please comment.
Because it makes me happy.
And I like to hear what people think about my writing.
Especially when my writing is that personal.

peace,
tj

2:37am: "if you plant ice you're gonna harvest wind..."
hey everybody.
i'm not really sure what to write about tonight so i'm just gonna talk about whatever comes to mind i suppose.

this summer was pretty fun, considering i thought it was sucking.
so much stuff happened out of sheer boredom that just was some of the most fun i've had in a long time.
we didn't have band practice nearly enough as we should have.
but i saw some pretty sweet concerts this summer.
saw the dead.
went to warped tour (the matches, nofx, taking back sunday, underoath)
went to warped tour again (the matches, taking back sunday, anti-flag)
also saw the matches.

so i'm not complaining.
i wish i could have seen less than jake though.
but their live DVD came out so that's cool.

i also became closer with a few more people.
and i'm really grateful for that because some of the people have really impacted me.

i've also started writing a lot more which is good.
and now i have somebody that i can share my writing with who i can compare notes with so that's really awesome.

i've also been listening to so much different music over the past couple months and it's been a lot of variety.
less than jake.
the matches.
reel big fish.
grateful dead.
jurassic 5.
facing new york.
starting line.
taking back sunday.
brand new.
finch.
led zeppelin.
sondre lerche.
the pilfers.
phish.
ben folds.
rehasher.
something corporate.
nofx.

the list could go on forever, and ever, but it won't.
just now you get the idea.

but i love it that way.

music is a life saver.

some girls can be so empty
some girls can be so immature
talk if you want to talk
apologize if you want to apologize
that doesn't mean i have to listen
that doesn't mean i have to forgive you
hey beautiful,
you've got some growing up to do...

these blinking streetlights and shifting headlights light up this dark night.
your words scroll in my brain as if they're a routine.
i keep the phone in my lap,
because the closer it is, the faster your voice invades my thoughts.
the longer we talk, the later i stay up in bed analyzing every word.
the later i'm up, the further i fall.
and that's fine with me.
i'm a mess.
there are too many reasons to list why we'd be perfect together,
and that reason is one of those reasons alone.
what i wouldn't give to catch your eyes in your passing glance one more time.
what i wouldn't give to be the blanket that keeps you warm and safe at night.
what i wouldn't give to be less pathetic.
it's hard enough to find something perfect without having to try and make it yours.

eventually you reach a point where you can make yourself believe anything you want to believe.

clean slates in autumn.
i want to be the first peice of chalk to make the first mark.

please, please, please leave me some comments

- teej

12:56am: "I've got these friends in quotes and girls with asterisks..."
Hello folks.
Thanks for commenting on my last entry.
I really love hearing that people are reading this and like what I'm writing.
So thank you.

Tonight I saw the Matches.
They were fuckin awesome,
BUT
It was not at all the same without Taylor and Sisley.
We missed them very very much.
But they were very good and Shawn (the lead singer) remembered me nick and chloe from Warped tour and we were talkin for a while.
We went to dinner afterwards and then came home.
Chloe's dad, Dom, is the man.

So besides that, I've been thinking a lot.
Thinking about my future.
I'm gonna get somewhere.
We're gonna make it out of town with music.
I wanna be "the first one to make this zipcode fucking history"
I've got big ideas but I never do anything to get there
Well I'm gonna try
I see my favorite bands on stage watching them play their hearts out
And I want to do that
I see us doing that
And I just need to work
Which is something I've never been particularly good at
Mostly because of my lack of motivation
But now I'm gonna try
I'm probably out of my mind
But hey, 16 years later, I finally know what I want to be when I grow up
Pretty damn far-fetched, but hey, I want what I want.

I want to write
Record
Play shows
Have our name spread
And we need to work at that
Very soon
Very hard
And we will
And you will love us.
This is a subliminal message.

Sorry if I'm just rambling.
I'm just tired,
Bored,
Pensive
Annnddddddd I'm a mess haha.

These words scrambled and scribbled on these pages
May one day be proof that all my failing schemes and worthless dreams can get me somewhere...

Please Please Keep Commenting
And leave me motivation and inspiration.

- tj

1:53am: "by the way my words were fading, rather waste some time with you..."
Tonight is a lonely night
And maybe my spirits will come up with the sun
But the sooner I sleep
The sooner you rise
And I want my phone to wake me up
Because every time it rings
It’s another chance for you to be on the other line

But every night I lay in bed thinking what things could be
And that’s no way to live
But I find myself awake thinking
Tossing and turning
And my arms feeling empty
And my heart feeling empty
I just want to mean something
To the people who mean the most to me

I wrote that earlier because I was inspired

I hate it when people can't let stuff go
I hate it when by "people" I mean myself

Nick inspired me also
His profile has a line that he said he wrote about me
"If music saved lives you'd be a doctor.."
Thanks dude.
Well if only I could self-diagnose
Because I need music more than ever lately

I just sent Sisley my new acoustic songs
So far I'm getting good feedback and I love it
Tom from Senior Discount said he liked them too
Having people say stuff like that makes me really happy
Because I love making music, and having people tell me that they enjoy it just makes me love it more
So hopefully we'll work on those songs and release them for you folks
But we are a ska/punk band!
Don't you forget that
I just like acoustic songs cuz they're natural to write
And they're more personal
Oh yeah, check out Tom's band: http://www.seniordiscountmusic.com

Having people around town classify me as a burnout and an asshole makes me really feel like a regular
We're the underdogs
The "oh no, not them again"s
We're the next generation
Through all the "people like you"s and the "do you even care"s
And somehow I'm still around and sane
And I fucking love it

I'm gonna stop writing.
PLEASE comment cuz this entry is more interesting than others.
And I wanna hear if you guys even care about what I'm writing about haha.

- teej

3:22am: "this is to a girl who got into my head with all the pretty things she did..."
hey. i haven't updated in a while.
not much to say that i've really wanted to share.
plus nobody had commented too much lately.

but lots of stuff has been happening recently.

lots of thinking.
lots of songwriting.
i have two new acoustic songs finished.
i recorded them.
they aren't the greatest quality or anything.
but i felt the need to record them.

also have been doing a lot of music listening.
the matches.
finch.
the starting line.
something corporate.
facing new york.
less than jake.
fall out boy.
brand new.
taking back sunday.

and a lot of guitar playing.

so many people have been or are away, so for the most part, lots of stuff has been pretty boring.
this town is boring.
there's nothing to do.
but i want to make it out of here.
i want to get out with music and a band so i can say that i have made it.

"looking out the window at a brick wall, i swore that i would be the first one to make this zipcode fucking history..."

i want to inspire people the way they have inspired me.
i want to touch people with my words and my music.
i want to change people the way they have changed me.

"tj, here's what i want you to do.
i'm going to bed, but i want you to try and let your guard down.
then call me back when you do, and spill your guts out.
i don't care if you wake me up, but do it..."

i want to thank you more than you'll ever know...

i'm bored.
leave comments.
it makes me happy.

- tj

12:02am: "today is fire and she burns..."
i don't know what to write today.

the past few days have been pretty crazy.
nerf guns and stuff.
crazy car rides listening to brand new and taking back sunday.

warped tour was pretty sweet.
i traded bracelets with the lead singer of the matches.
it glows in the dark. he's the man.
hopefully it gives me the powers to become super awesome guitar playing rock band man.
i'm such a jackass.

music is awesome.
taylor read me something last night that she written about music in her planner from last year and it's amazing.
i wish i could remember it to type it in here,
but i wouldn't want to type something wrong because it was just awesome and i don't wanna mess it up haha.

she inspires me to write.
i love writing.
it gets out every feeling most of the time.
it's like therapy i suppose.
that's why i do it.
i don't aim to offend people, they're my thoughts,
which means that the thing i wrote might not be about you
or who you think it's about.
so if something i've written offends you, then don't get mad haha.

that look in your eyes has got my knees going weak.
the smile on your face is something you could have never staged.
your laugh makes me want to be free like when we were young
and the way you hold my hand has got me never wanting to let go

"and the weeks they just pass and it's easy to guess why i miss them...
there are colors inside that i cannot find the words for,
and the reason we're here, it has never shined clear like the water,
so don't pass me by..."

i'm listening to the starting line's acoustic EP and it's making me want to write an acoustic song.
i may just do that a little later.
i've been compiling and jotting down ideas for a new acoustic song.
i have a few lyrics and phrases that i want to use.
but don't get me wrong, we ARE a ska/punk band.
but i just like to write acoustic songs when i'm in more layed back and "emotional" moods.
and to give you people some variety.
we'll be coming out with new shit soon i promise.
we just need to record.
we have KOK t-shirts and thongs for sale...contact me, sis, nick or tom if you are interested in purchasing something.
we also might have pins out soon...hopefully.

there's a lot i think i keep from people.
not really purposely, just happens.
i guess some stuff just has to be kept inside.
it'll come out sooner or later probably.
nothing bad at all, just feelings and thoughts.

is it bad if i want to scream my feelings about you at the top of my lungs so that everyone hears me?
is it bad if when i blink my eyes i see you smiling back at me?
it's crazy how your mind can play tricks on you...
if this is a trick then i don't want to know.
if this is a dream i don't want to wake up.

i don't normally act like this.
you guys must think i'm on crack, but i'm fine.

but all this stuff has been bottled up about so much.
so don't think much of it.
it's for my own benefit.

your voice rings in my head and your laugh puts a smile on my face.
i could go on for hours, but you need your sleep.
maybe i'll see you in my dreams.

goodnight.

-teej

11:53pm: "there's no point for democracy when ignorance is celebrated..."
i'm updating this tonight for taylor because she said i was slacking off haha. so here it goes:

i really appreciate everybody commenting on this thing. i love hearing what you guys think so thanks.

so one of the big things in my mind right now is how much president bush sucks.
we had an argument at taylor's tonight about how bush sucks.
i really wish a man like that didn't represent me and my country.
he's responsible for an unemployment rate of 6%. there are now 9 million people out of work in america - 3.3 million more than when bush took office.
that's fuckin crazy and i hate it cuz it effects so many people that i know.
so eff bush. i hope he's a one term president.

oh well so besides that nothin really too much is up.
i've been thinking a lot.
lots of poetic phrases run through my head that i want to write about things that are going on, but could offend many people or may be taken the wrong way.
if you think it's about you it probably isn't.
just think of it that way.
so don't get mad at me.

from the back of this car i can see the sun set on the highway with tired looks and an orange tint on your faces

i love the way you say my name with that sense of urgency in your voice, like you're hanging on to my last words.
how closely our minds work without me showing how i really feel.
this disguise is wearing thin, i hope you don't mind.
there are so many things that i've kept to myself.
my feelings for you are eating at me from the insides.
it's only a matter of time before they spill out.
it was never intended, and i hope these feelings don't fade as fast as the writing on my hand.
but your words are so intricate and so perfect without being intended.
and i know that these words will get the best of me and will be used against me.

i think i'm going to think myself insane.

i know i'm not what you had in mind.
and i know he's better than what you didn't have in mind.
and i'm digging myself deeper with everything i say

now that i look back on these photographs,
there is at least proof that i just might have the slightest chance of meaning something to you

okay i would write more but the phrases just could keep getting more and more repetitive.
so thanks for reading.
lemme know what you think and please comment.

okay i'm done taylor you can read it now.
how trippy is that cuz you will have just read that but you're done reading?
think about that shit.

-tj

2:09am: "my blood stained shirt smelled of clove cigarettes, but it sure looked pretty cool after a wash..."
so it's like 2:10 am.
i'm listening to NoFX.
i'm seeing them tomorrow because i'm going to warped tour.
i'm going with brian and brent.
getting a ride home with cat.
it's gonna be good shit.
sooo much free crap.
but less than jake isn't playing this year.
they're only on the 10th anniversary show in boston which i am not going to.
that kinda blows cuz they fuckin rule.
but i hopefully will get to see NoFX, Allister, Taking Back Sunday, The Matches, Anti-Flag, and many more tomorrow.

well besides that, lately my friends have been pretty bummed about chicks.
i have kinda been too.
there's some cool ones out there though.
they know who they are.

music rules.
it is a life saver.

to support that, i will quote less than jake:

"I always thought of music as more than words and sound,
something more like inspiration that picks you off the ground,
when your down... "

yeah i would write lyrics and stuff tonight but i'm not feeling especially creative.
i'm kind of tired but not really.
but i have to wake up at like 8ish tomorrow morning so that sucks.

i don't think caffiene effects me anymore.
i drank something like 4 mountain dews and i think 2 cokes, and they didn't do anything.
i would start drinking coffee but that's not my deal.

i was walking through town tonight alone after walking simon, shouvlin, and yulinksi home.
OG really is a quiet place after dark.
the streets are flooded with orange at night from the streetlights.
i saw one tonight, and just stared at it while walking.
the glow from it must have been at least a couple yards around.

today it was pretty cool outside.
the temperature was lower than usual.
it was pretty refreshing while skating though.
skateboarding kills my body but i love it.
scar tissue is a small price to pay haha.

i think too much.
sometimes i wish i was more close minded like i used to be.
but hey, i changed.
it is what it is.

i saw alex today.
it had been a while.
he got me into skating.
he got me into punk rock.
he's a good guy.

i hate when people drift away.
the worst part is blaming myself for it.
everyone changes.
subtle or not, it happens.
i changed.
i don't know if it was for good or bad...you tell me.

i've realized that i can be an asshole if i want to be.
i have been.
i'm only a jerk really if i feel it's necessary.
i hate feeling like i'm being walked all over.

apologizing is different than being forgiven.

i saw karl today.
i miss skating with that kid.
no one seems to skate anymore.
i don't even skate as much anymore.
that hurts to say and think.
skating passed as a "cool thing to do" throughout middle school.
i remember everyone either skateboarded or rollerbladed with us at least once.
i don't really wanna name drop but so you get the idea,
over the span of middle school i remember skating with everyone from harry and cam to jack muller and his brother.
it came and went within a couple years but i was there in the beginning (thanks to alex) and i'm still here in the end, suprisingly.
i'm suprised that the undertoe didn't sweep me up with the current to go with everyone else.
i give myself a pat on the back for that one.
over the past few years i learned how to think for myself for the most part.
now so many people have changed.
so many people are preppy and stuck up now.
everyone's too busy buying and selling drugs and getting caught for it.
everyone's caught up in when the next party is and when they can get their next beruit game going.
personally, i thought it was too fuckin early when kids were getting alcohol poisoning at 13 years old.
everybody can't wait to get their hands on the newest trend.
spend 20 minutes in the morning thinking "collar up or collar down. up. no, down. up's better...no down!"
then another half hour deciding "now should i wear my hat slightly to the side or straight...how bout backwards? nah, forwards and crooked. nahhh backwards and crooked...nah i just won't wear a hat, it clashes with my new yellow pants that i got for 120 bucks on sale, pre-ripped and pre-faded, at abercrombie because i left my last pair up in my beach house in nantucket."

i think boredom has struck this town hard.
i think TV and radio have taken over.
i'm sick of kids in this town thinking they are "ghetto."
i've seen kids jump other kids at knife-point because they have nothing better to do.
they think they're in the fucking crips or something because of shit they hear in the news or on TV shows.
cops sit around waiting for skaters to make tiny mistakes so they can yell at us because they have nothing better to do.
we become targets because they view us as threats.
i also don't understand "no loitering" signs.
i understand signs that prohibit you from doing some harmful things,
but when they start making rules against you being able to stand around doing nothing,
then you know something's wrong.

alright i'm done bitching tonight.
just lots of stuff on my mind.
please leave comments.
i love hearing what people think.
so comment and make me happy.

- teej

10:46pm: may these words hurt more than your breaking heart...
so right now is august 4th. a day after august 3rd.
which means last night i saw the dead which was very awesome.
we slept at al's grandparents house.
it was me, al, alec, pete, and tag and it was very fun.
there were some cool people at the show.
we met a lady named jeanette who loved the dead.
she gave me and peter hugs.
and her number for if we wanted to see any shows.
it sounds sketchy but she was fuckin cool.

(right here i am talking about nick to make him happy)

i love talking to people and realizing how similar everyone is.
that's why i love writing in here.
everyone's comments make me see that i am not the only one who thinks how i do about a lot of stuff.
so please keep commenting. it makes me happy.

it's raining right now.
the rain makes a nice pitter-patter on the skylight above my head.
i used to not like rain.
but i've had so many good times in rain that it doesn't bother me anymore.

summer rain is actually pretty refreshing.
it blurrs the lights coming through my window
and it makes headlights trail behind and stretch for yards

kara just called me.
word.

i am bad at making up my mind.
i am bad with rejection.
i am bad with affection.

i shouldn't be trusted with fragile hearts.

nice guys and gentlemen have it the worst.

i've saved these feelings for you.
i expected the absolute best.
i've been shown nothing but the worst.
making me jealous wasn't a way to win me over.
it still isn't.
you've got a lot to learn.
i am your lesson.
but you've dropped out...

she's a rare breed.
i thought that would be a good thing.

pretty faces can be so empty sometimes.

honesty could have prevented this.

"do you think he'd be better doing what i do best?"

i love my friends.
life is good.
summer's starting to sink in.

peace,
tj

2:28am: "please don't go crazy if i tell you the truth..."
hey people. what's up?

today i woke up and went to alec's and we went sailing.
kara and dana were down at alec's.
cuz dana lives next door and she moved back.
yahoo dana's back.
then alec and i went out on his laser and sailed from lucas point to island beach.
it took a very long time but we got food at island beach and then came back.
on the way back we saw caroline van eyke and we swam with her and her friend for a while.
then her friend towed the laser back with her motor boat cuz there was barely any wind.
it was fun.
then we got back, called al, went to bobby's.
we played frisbee.
then tag came.
and we hung out for a long time.
we biked around town and chilled at the dock.
good times.

and tomorrow i'm going to see the dead.
i'm very excited.

so lately i've been thinking a lot.
there's a lot of things running through my head.
lately i've been realizing how fucking cool my friends can be.
i love them.
it makes me see how much i've been through with every single one of them.

girls can be very twisted.
or maybe guys are just better at covering it up.

they say we learn from our mistakes,
so shouldn't you be a genius by now?

okay i'm tired.
please comment.
thanks to those who have been.

-teej

12:50am: your time is gonna come...
today was a crazy day.
it was heather k's birthday.
happy birthday heather!
we went to her house.
and watched "the butterfly effect."
let me say, that is one fucked up movie.
but it was cool cuz i saw people like heather, lee, roger, and ken and people.

then after, i hung around my house.
then i called alec.
then i biked to town to meet him at like 9ish.

i was waiting for him and he was gonna be there in like 20 minutes so i was just biking around town.
and i was biking down nick bruce's street for no reason.
and i flipped over my handlebars.
i don't know how.
i can't remember.
i just remember being in the air, then my feet slamming down with my bike attached somehow.
i'm pretty sure i did a full front flip.
that's pretty fucking cool when you think about it.

yeah, then alec and i talked for a while.
alec is the man.
THE man.

and thanks to the people who commented and talked to me after reading this and checking how i was and stuff.
i'm not depressed.
this thing makes me sound depressed
but i'm fine, really.
i just like to get out the depressing things on here so i can reflect upon them.
but thanks everyone if you're reading this or commenting or talking.

peace.

12:11am: fighting fire with fire is only going to get you burned...
tonight was somewhat of a catastrophe.
the past week has been somewhat of a catastrophe.
some people can suck.
some people confuse me.

i can give you what you say you want...
...you just have to stick around me for more than 5 minutes to find that out...

they say distance makes the heart grow fonder,
but maybe that's only in my case and everyone else just moves on.

there's not enough truth in this world
but i'm not really sure, that could just be a lie

fighting fire with fire is only going to get you burned...

living in the present makes me realize that i was better off living in the past...

i'm the highway you've been running all night on,
pounding and dulling down until the point where there's no more left...
and there's no bridge where you thought there would be one...
you wish you had stayed longer where you felt more comfortable...

i'm the lie you had to tell to get out of the mess you were in...

you're the unanswered question that haunts my mind while i sleep

i'm the last drop of rain to hit the ground at the end of a storm

and i'm the words that you said but you forgot...

ok enough of my ranting.
i think too much.
i hope you enjoyed my entry.

peace out.

1:21am: "It's all been done and it's all been said, we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get..."
hey everyone. tonight's been hectic.
i'm happy it's summer but it's been boring as hell.
last summer ruled and this one hasn't been close at all.
i just want to do something to remember it by.
last summer i had a mohawk,
last summer i started my band,
last summer matt hamer was here,
last summer ken and yoshi were here,
and last summer i didn't give a shit about almost anything.

this summer i don't have a mohawk,
this summer i still have the band but i want to go so much further with it,
this summer matt hamer is in england and has been since christmas,
this summer ken and yoshi moved to new jersey,
and this summer i feel lonely.

tonight i'm confused.
there are so many smart and intricate words i want to type here,
but i can't think of any.

the streetlights have been teasing me lately.
i'm staring out at one now,
and i have to say,
they really are beautiful mid-summer.
especially when it's raining and they reflect light off the puddles.

and i've been staying up to watch the sun come up lately.
it's beautiful.

i've come to a realization about some of the things that make me sad about life:

-memories and things that you can't go back to.
-people that have changed and won't be the same again
-people that you know you won't have the same relationships with again

now, don't get me wrong. i'm not a really depressed person by any means. i just write out the things that make me upset, and it makes me be a happier person. it's a form of therapy i suppose.

i wanna get stuff together with the band.
i want us to get our stuff sorted out and practice more.
we have so many opportunities and connections.
we need to stop being lazy and get on track.
this guy named vinnie, who used to play with less than jake, reel big fish, and the mighty mighty bosstones, said he would help us record. he also said he would help produce this record that we would be recording.
that would kick some serious ass.

i've also been talking to JR from less than jake lately.
he's a rad guy.
he said he wanted to adopt me.
he also sent me pictures of their van.
it's got the artwork from their new record painted all over it.
it looks very cool.
he makes me wish i was touring and being more productive with my band.
my goal with the band, personally, is to play with less than jake.
that's thinking way ahead.
but it would be very cool.

oh well, i'm sure nobody is reading this anyway.

if you are, please comment.

i really wonder sometimes if i'm the only one who thinks the same way as me.

so please leave a comment.

peace out.

4:41pm: "i'm just looking for a place to call my own..."
hey. it's me. it's like 5:12 in the afternoon.
i went to the westchester mall today with nick and sisley.
it was fun and stuff.
now i'm just waiting till later to go to sisley's house.
he's got a trombone lesson soon so i'm going over after i think.
it's cool that he gets trombone lessons because the guy used to play with less than jake, spring heeled jack, reel big fish, mighty mighty bosstones, the pilfers, and the list could go on. and it's awesome to have him teaching our trombone player.

when i think about it, it's actually pretty funny how the whole band came together.
at first, i wanted to start a ska/punk band in the summer of 2003.
nick liked less than jake. i played guitar i was like "dude i wanna write songs and play shit like less than jake, but nobody plays anything"
so nick was like "haha i should play bass" as kind of a joke, but he actually got one.
and he didn't know how to play.
it was funny.
but i taught him some stuff and he just took it from there with tabs and stuff.
and we wrote a few songs, just me and him until we found more people.
then highschool started.
sisley was in like all of my classes.
we got him into ska. he liked rap.
he likes ska now.
we were like "dude sis should play trombone, that would be fuckin hilarious."
so we found out that claire's brother played trombone.
he borrowed a trombone.
didn't know how to play.
got some instructions online.
then finally got lessons because of kara...long story, but thanks kara.
and then we picked up tom cuz he skates with us and plays drums.
so we were complete.
oh yeah, and because we love him, yoshi's kinda in the band, but he doesn't do anything. he's just there. but he's the man.

yeah so sorry i'm just rambling but i felt like sharing.

peace,
tj

11:59pm: this is my new journal. this is for my daily ramblings, not really lyrics as much. the lyrics go in the KOK journal over at http://www.blurty.com/users/knockoutkings

so lately i've been thinking that it doesn't even feel like summer. it's not as hot as last summer. plus my good friends have moved. my good friends have changed too.

i waited a fucking year for summer and this is what it's like?
i know i sound stupid. i know i sound lame.
but let's make the rest of the summer fun.
because school sucks.
and we need to get all we can out of the rest of the summer.
it's not going out without a struggle.

it also doesn't feel like summer because everyone has become so separated it seems.
a lot of the eastern people have kind of separated.
but as for me i'm becoming closer with a lot of eastern people that i never really knew too well until recently.
change can be good and bad.

but yoshi and ken moving sucks.

hamer being deported sucks.

we talked to hamer the other day on the phone.
he sounds like the kid who played harry potter.
he's still as funny as he used to be.
but it doesn't feel like summer without him.

i'm listening to the starting line.
i'm talking to nick.
i'm talking to courtney.
it's raining slightly.
and for those reasons, it should feel like summer.
but it doesn't.
things have gotten complicated.
i don't have a mohawk.
somewhere along the lines i've become more mellow.
i became more open minded which made me change.

oh well. i'm done.
i think i got most of it out.

peace,
tj